Once Upon a Yeehaw
by Boogum
Summary: Sunshine Boots Agreste was the sweetest cowboy of the Wild West. Still, Five Pistol Felix has crossed him for the last time. The stage has been set, the duel is about to begin, but who will come out alive? And just who is this mysterious cowgirl, Little Red? (aka, the ML Western you probably never should have asked for.)


I asked for a crack prompt and **Marinoodles** delivered. Cowboy Adrien lives again.

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**Once Upon a Yeehaw**

Two cowboys stood facing each other on a dusty street in Paris. Texas Paris, that is. Sunshine Boots Agreste, the one on the left, had blond hair, green eyes, and a smile sweet enough to charm the socks of all the saloon girls. The other was Five Pistol Felix, who also had blond hair and green eyes, but his smile was more like shady oil slick … because shady.

"Wait," Banana Man said, holding up one yellow hand and peering at said shady cowboy. "Why is your name Five Pistol Felix?"

Five Pistol Felix blinked. "What?"

"I mean you don't have five arms, so it ain't like you're firing five pistols at once. And wouldn't you then be called Five-Armed Felix?"

The other people who had gathered to watch the duel (which was obviously being held at high noon) began to mutter among themselves. Even Five Pistol Felix's posse looked confused. This was a very odd thing, to be sure.

"Oh, I get it," Krazy Kim the Kid said with a grin, slapping his fist to his palm. "It's cause this four-flusher of a cowboy takes five pistols to kill his man."

Max nodded. "That is statistically more likely than him being able to fire five pistols at once."

Krazy Kim the Kid gave thumbs up to Sunshine Boots Agreste. "You got this in the bag, partner!"

Sunshine Boots Agreste frowned. Five Pistol Felix, on the other hand, went an alarming shade of red. Redder than the reddest of apples. Redder than emotionally charged sunsets where you exchange deep and meaningfuls with your cowbros. Redder than Marinette, the baker girl, when Sunshine Boots Agreste tips his hat and says howdy to her. Redder than—

Oh, you're tired of red descriptions? Well, sorry about it.

"It does not take me five pistols to kill a person," Five Pistol Felix declared. "It only takes me one shot."

"One shot?" Krazy Kim the Kid repeated.

"Yes, one shot! I never miss!"

Max pursed his lips. "According to my calculations, that is statistically unlikely. The word 'never', after all, implies that—"

"I don't care about your calculations!" Five Pistol Felix snapped, and probably would have stamped his foot if it wouldn't have ruined his shady, slick cowboy vibe. "My point is it doesn't take me five pistols to kill someone, alright?"

More muttering and exchanged glances from the gathered crowd.

Banana Man scratched his banana head. "Well, maybe that's so, but then why is your name Five Pistol Felix? You don't even carry five pistols."

"He's got a point," Sunshine Boots Agreste said reasonably, because he was reasonable and nice like that, even to people he was planning to duel.

Five Pistol Felix let out a frustrated growl. "I thought it sounded cool, okay? Why does it matter? Shouldn't you all be more concerned that there is someone dressed like a banana here?"

Everyone looked at Banana Man and his frozen, bananary smile. A few cricket's chirped. Come to think of it, why was there a banana man in the Wild Paris, Texas West? Every other cowboy worth his grain of salt had his hat, vest, boots and spurs, and then there was this ... banana.

"Stay peachy," Banana Man said, complete with finger guns. Then he sidled into the background and was never seen again.

"That was weird, wasn't it?" Alya said to Marinette.

Marinette sighed happily. "Isn't Sunshine Boots Agreste so dreamy? A real cowboy of the first water."

Alya facepalmed.

"Anyway," Five Pistol Felix said, narrowing his eyes back on his lookalike and rival. "Enough beating the devil around the stump. This burg ain't big enough for the two of us. "

"That's my line," Sunshine Boots Agreste said in a not-very-sunshiny voice. "You've caused enough trouble trying to impersonate me."

"Then there's only one thing for it. We duel."

Krazy Kim scratched his cheek. "Uh, why is he acting like he's only just now suggesting a duel? isn't that why we've all gathered?"

"Indeed," Max said. "The duel was established in the first line. I believe the author—"

"Would you two shut your big bazoos!" Five Pistols Felix snapped. "No one needs you going meta."

(His posse might have backed him up, but Felix had no real friends, just bribed ones, and all the posse were actually paid to do was to stand there and look menacing. One was a literal slab of wood with a face painted on it, and it had a little name tag hanging from its neck that said "Planky McPlankface".)

"There's no need to get mad at them," Sunshine Boots Agreste said. "Your bone is with me, cousin."

"Not cousins for long. I'm about to become an only …" His brow furrowed. "Well, I guess I'm already an only child."

"Er, do you need a second to think of a better retort?" Sunshine Boots asked politely.

"Yes, actually. That would be swell."

Alya facepalmed again. So did Nino Dynamite Lahiffe.

"Sunshine Boots," Nino said to his friend. "You know you'll always be my best cowbro, but we have got to work on your duel manners."

"But my manners are excellent."

"Yeah, they are. That's the problem."

Sunshine Boots Agreste pouted. It was hard work being a cowboy of the Wild Paris, Texas West.

"Aha!" Five Pistol Felix said, pointing his finger triumphantly. "I've got it! You'll no longer be able to call me cousin because you'll be dead!"

Alya raised her eyebrows. "That's it?"

"That's what?" Felix said.

"That's all you could come up with?"

Marinette giggled. "It is kind of … lacking."

Snorts and outright laughs echoed around the street. Only Planky McPlankface didn't crack a smile. (But as his frown was painted on, this didn't mean much.)

"Maybe we should call you Comeback Fail Felix," Alix Hellrider suggested.

"Or Few Minutes Felix," Krazy Kim said, "cause he takes a few minutes to think of trash talk."

Sunshine Boot's teeth gleamed in a grin. "Yeah, and his trash wasn't even stinky."

Alix blinked. So did Kim. So did Nino. So did everyone, in fact. (Except Planky McPlankface. He just glared through painty eyes.)

"Huh?" Alix said.

Sunshine boots rubbed the base of his neck. "You know, trash. Trash talk. Bad trash is extra stinky, but what he said was kinda weak, so …" He flushed at the disbelieving stares he received. "It's a pun and it was better in my head, okay? Can we just move on?"

"Cowbro," Nino said, shaking his head in sad despair.

"I know, I know, but my cousin's was still worse!"

Max whipped out his abacus. "Let's see. Five Pistol Felix had to think about his comeback. If we say that each minute he paused is one point for uncoollness, plus add on the lack of originality, then that makes it seventy percent worse than your pun. Then again—"

Pink crept over Five Pistol Felix's cheeks. "You hobble your lip!"

Max blinked.

More crickets chirped.

"What does that even mean?" someone whispered.

"Dunno," their neighbour replied. "I don't speak that foreign Wild West slang."

"It means," Felix gritted out, "you all should shut up so my cousin and I can duel!"

"Oh."

This having been decided, the two cowboys once more locked eyes in standoff, their hands lingering near their guns. Dust swirled in the wind. A kazoo played the traditional standoff music.

"Oh, for the love of—" Felix cried, steam practically bursting out of his ears. "Who is playing that kazoo?"

Luka, aka Kazooka, raised his hat. "Just trying to set the mood."

"With a kazoo?" Felix demanded.

"Is that even possible?" someone asked, scrunching their nose. "Should we have kazoos?"

"Dunno, partner," responded the neighbour. "I mean we had a man in a banana suit and we're breaking the fourth wall right now. I don't think our author cares about historical accuracy. Or any kind of accuracy."

"Fair point."

Felix sighed and tapped his foot like an irritated rabbit. "Are we done with all the interruptions?"

Everyone nodded.

The standoff began again. The kazoo set the duelling mood. A tumble weed went past and hit a small girl with blonde hair in the face. (But no one cared because she was Manon 2.0 and cursed.)

"Wait!"

This time it was Sunshine Boots Agreste who sighed—until he saw a familiar figure with her face hidden by a red bandana come closer astride a horse. In other words, the toughest, most beautiful cowgirl in the West.

"Little Red," he breathed, starry-eyed. (Plagg, his horse, was also starry-eyed because it quite fancied that mare.)

"Butt out, Little Red!" Five Pistol Felix said. "This doesn't concern you."

"It does since it concerns Sunshine Boots Agreste," she retorted. "He's going to be my husband and we'll have two kids and a pet hamster, so I can't let you potentially hurt him or the future I've planned."

Sunshine Boots's face warmed all over. "Y-you want to marry me?"

Little Red's blush matched her bandana. "I, um, yeah … yeah I really do."

"Aww," Rose said, clutching her hands to her heart. "Isn't it romantic?"

Juleka said something in response, but no one heard it. Lila the Liar then tried to disrupt the happy turn of events by claiming there was a snake in her boot, but no one much cared about that either. Even when Chloe fell over (because her monstrosity of a Texas mum, with all its bells and ribbons, was too big) could not spoil the moment. Interrupted duels and marriage proposals were more interesting than Texas mums and snakes.

Speaking of duels, Little Red dealt with Five Pistols of Failure with embarrassing swiftness by throwing a yoyo at his head and knocking him out. She was amazing like that. Then Sheriff Rogers took him off to the calaboose where he'd be stuck in a cell for identity theft. (This, my friends, is only acceptable during the Jarlpocalypse.)

Anyway, order was restored and Sunshine Boots was spared any hairs on his golden head being hurt. Then he and Little Red kissed (and kissed even more when she later, in private, pulled down her bandana to reveal that she was Marinette the blushy baker girl.)

"Marinette," he said, holding her close. "I'm so happy it's you."

"Oh, Adrien," she sighed. "From the first howdy you gave me, I've loved you."

Then they kissed again and lived happily ever yeehaw after.

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**Bonus**

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"I made you a gift, Adrien," Marinette said, cheeks pink.

"A gift?"

She held up a lovingly crafted … _thing_ that was decorated with multi-coloured stripes of ribbons, bells, and hearts. It kind of looked like a shield. A really ugly, huge shield that could be strapped to his arm.

Of course Adrien "Sunshine Boots" Agreste's heart melted at the sight. "You made this for me?"

She nodded. "And I have a mum to match."

He smiled. "That sounds perfect. We'll be the best dressed couple at homecoming."

Creases formed on her brow.

"What?" he said.

"I just … should we have homecomings? And mums?"

"There's a pun I could make right now, but I'll refrain. Instead, I'll just say that I love you, Marinette Dupain Cheng."

Her cheeks went pink. "I love you too."

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(the end. Really this time)

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What a ride. It's 3:08am. I have no excuse for the sheer crack here except I got asked to set it in Paris, Texas and I rolled with it.

Thanks to **tvk** for giving me the name Five Pistol Felix. Also, Kazooka is a nod to **bugaboo-n-bananoir**'s headcanon.


End file.
